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Lawn mowing and existentialism

May 16, 2013

Today is Wednesday. We are only halfway through the week and I have already heard of three deaths by melanoma. I didn’t personally know any of the three women who died but I knew of them and there are only a couple degrees of separation for any of them. I didn’t know them but I certainly understood them. All three were young. All three had melanoma. Any of the three could easily be me.

Needless to say, my mood last night was dark. We had dinner and put the kids to bed and then just talked about it for a little while. We have been living for a year now with cancer and doom and lurking death and we had put it away. Just for a little while. I was feeling recovered from surgery, we don’t have another melanoma appointment until June. Chris was feeling confident that I was doing well. We just wanted the monkey off our backs for a couple weeks.

Sartre says that everyone should live with death on their shoulder. Living that way keeps us authentic and in the moment. I don’t think I agree. Living with death on your shoulder keeps you living scared. Always afraid that this could be the last time I…fill in the blank. Always afraid of missed opportunity or regret.

I refuse it. I reject it. I do not accept it. I chose life! I choose everyday to live with life, bright and shining, radiating on my shoulder. I choose that method of living with authenticity. I choose life as the barometer for what I should do today. I choose life as my primary motivator.

Life is not weaker than death. It is powerful and strong and inspirational. It is not death I fear, but a life unimagined! I feel like that is quoting someone but I may have just made that up.

I mowed my yard today. Not because I should have because I am totally not suppose to be doing anything quite that physical for another week or so. I didn’t mow it because it needed it, although it most certainly did–the only days that Chris has been home before 8:00pm the last two weeks, it has been raining. I mowed it because I was mad. I was mad at death. I was mad at cancer. I was mad at being told what I could and could not do. I was mad that my choices seemed to have been made for me. So I mowed. Because if nothing was wrong with me, I would have mowed. Because if I was going to live then I better act like it. Because I refuse to sit on the couch and feel sorry for myself today. I choose life!

When I came inside from the yard, I was flipping through Facebook and saw this post: you matter, you are equipped and you are needed. You are part of the Plan. Since I read that I have been singing a children’s song over and over and over– I am a Promise. I am a possibility. I am a Promise with a capital P. I am a great big bundle of potential-ity. And I am learning to hear Gods voice and I am trying to make the right choice, I am a Promise to be anything God wants me to be!

My story isn’t written yet. Is yours?


2 Comments leave one →
  1. Kiley (Marsha) permalink
    May 16, 2013 9:37 pm

    You are an amazing, strong, inspiring, awesome young woman and I’m honored to call you my sister.
    I continue to lift you and your beautiful family up in prayers daily.
    I love you!


  1. Deeper Devotional » Queen of Pain I Am Not

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