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Before and After

February 19, 2013

What is that quote from Anne of Green Gables? Something about today being brand new with no mistakes in it?

I am sitting in the lobby of the Vanderbilt Ingram Caner Center for the first time in three months. I had PET scans on Friday and on Sunday got a sneak peak at results.

So what would you rather: if bad news was coming and you couldn’t do anything to stop it would you rather have one more day of ignorant bliss or would you rather go ahead and know what was in store? From now on, I choose the former.

The PET scan showed uptake in my right iliac lymph node chain. This means one of a couple things is going on. Either I have more melanoma in my right hip or I still have some infectious process in my right hip. Either way there will be more doctor’s and more drugs and more varied and sundered medical stuff in my future. I am trying not to think about it until we meet with the doctor. Chris is being uncharacteristically optimistic. That in itself scares me and pisses me off.

So it is post appointment now and I have only bad news. I have more melanoma in my right pelvis and there is a suspicious place on my kidney/adrenals that will require more follow up. It will mean more surgery or systemic therapy (Read:chemo) or both depending on what is determined about this kidney thing.

I want to start this sentence with ” The good news is…” but it feels like a reach. The good news is that if this is just a pelvic melanoma then we have it taken out and we move on. The good news is that we already know that we have help and where are resources are and who the doctors are to call. The good news is that I have a proven support system.

God is still God or He never was in the first place. I continue to stand.

Buckle up and hang on. Here we go again.

9 Comments leave one →
  1. February 19, 2013 3:01 am

    Our prayers are with you, friend.

  2. Sarah F permalink
    February 19, 2013 3:03 am

    Eff. And I’m standing with you. I don’t make my presence known often but I’m here. Peace, Love and Prayers.

  3. Brenda permalink
    February 19, 2013 4:15 am

    Well STINK! You are a wonderful woman of God. I’m sorry this is part of your journey. Know you are in my thoughts and prayers frequently. love you and miss you!

  4. meredithbunting permalink
    February 19, 2013 1:48 pm

    “Don’t panic. I am with you. There is no need to fear for I’m your God. I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you. I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you. (Is. 41:10)
    You probably think it’s easy for me to just flip into the Bible and send you a verse with my prayers and good wishes. Yes, it is easier than fighting your battle or even knowing you well enough to be by your side, or help with the kids, do some laundry, bring dinner or a glass of wine. The reason why I know God is here as you know He is with you is because though I don’t know you personally, my heart aches for you as if you were my daughter. Darling girl, do not dispair, keep your hope and your humor. If you should get down, lay in the Arms of our God Who holds you in the love of so many. We are carrying you.

  5. February 19, 2013 2:13 pm

    Mareeka, It seems like it never ends. But, there is an ending to all this!!! You just have to keep on keeping on!! God has your back and whatever happens, it is his plan for your life. I will pray exceedingly long and loud for you and God will hear!!!! You will be placed on a prayer chain at my church and God will hear your name on the lips of strangers to you. Don’t give up the boat, you aren’t sunk yet!!! Love you girl.

  6. Tia Banks permalink
    February 19, 2013 2:39 pm

    Mareeka!!!!! Nooooooooooo!!!! I’m praying! I’m tired of Satan attacking my friends with horrible diseases. I’m drawing a circle around these people and praying like never before! I’m not leaving this circle until my friends are well!

  7. Melissa permalink
    February 19, 2013 8:32 pm

    Life is not fair! This was my thought as I read this. I remember learning this in a parenting class. Kids always say that’s not fair, and our response should be life is not fair. Why am I well fed and sheltered and loved and people are starving, cold and unloved? All I know is we don’t see the end of the story yet and I do and must trust the Author. You are still at the top of my prayer list and I will continue to pray for you. I wish I wasn’t so far away so I could do more. God is faithful and He will get you through this! Love you, God sure knew what He was doing when He gave you a fighting/strong will. I have always loved that about you!

  8. Darlene Hunter permalink
    February 20, 2013 2:07 am

    Said a prayer. Remember God is still in heaven and is still God. When the going gets tough give him your worries and concerns. He’s big enough to take care of it.

  9. Mary permalink
    February 22, 2013 3:06 am

    I won’t even try to say something smart or spiritual or dumb and unintentionally unspiritual. What I will say is that I am so sorry for this news and will get back on my knees for you…because at the end of the day- that’s where we all should be anyway. (so maybe a little smart and spiritual….because HE IS OUR ONLY HOPE…and its enough).
    Much love-
    Mary Foley

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