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A brand new day

February 12, 2013

I am working on a new personal manifesto. Seriously. I am starting a personal revolution. It may not have a large outward impact but I find myself continuously questioning my choices and decisions.

In the last month that I have been back to work and with little or no evidence of having fought for my life last year, have resumed my previously enjoyable life. Only there has been less joy. That is not to say that I haven’t had any joy. Not true. I said LESS. Not none.

I have been having lots of conversation with myself, my husband, and God about what direction my life is going and what will continue to make me fulfilled. And I am not sure that the decisions that brought me to the place I am today still have the same answers as when I asked them the first time. I am not even certain the questions are still the same.

Lest my sister call and ask make sure I am still seeing my shrink, let me clarify that the pillars of my life are all firmly in place. I am not questioning my family or my faith. Just everything else. Okay, that is an exaggeration. Not EVERYTHING else.

Here are a few of the things I have been pondering lately: What does success look like for me? I made a list when I was just out of nursing school of goals I wanted to achieve. Of the list, only one remains. What does healthy mean for me and my family? And what am I willing to do/change/give up to make that a reality? I have been both more and less healthy than I am right now and feel the need to push further toward the healthy end of the spectrum. What do I do for fun? Sheesh, that one seems simple, right? But seriously, what things do in enjoy? What have I enjoyed doing in the past but let go to accomplish other things or because my priorities shifted? What motivates me? Really gets me going? What am I passionate about and how is that infused into my everyday?

There are other things but this is the beginning of the list.

This conversation makes Chris anxious because he feels like he is just getting his wife back and now she is talking about being someone different. I don’t think the end product will be that drastically different. I think the learning and growth is in the asking and searching and not so much in the answer. I have always been a pretty thoughtful with a strong internal locus of control so I think the answers will fundamentally be the same. There may be some slight course correction. I may be surprised. Either way, that is okay.

I don’t have an outlined plan. I don’t have a twelve step program mapped out. I’m just going to dive in and see where it goes. Come along for the ride and maybe we will learn something from each other. Or watch from the cheap seats. The choice is yours. Just stay tuned.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Maureen murphy permalink
    February 12, 2013 4:46 pm

    Being healthy and being happy are all within you and your belief about your purpose and legacy!
    Unless you are hiding a lot of who you are, you are at a place to just have joy when the sun shines, when one of your babes looks at you and says I love you.
    The shape and size if joy changes when you are a survivor. The shape and size of frustration and anger change !

    Your core is beautiful and that is what God wants you to share with others but mostly with yourself ! You are the gift God put you on earth to be !!!

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