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What to do when you are all cried out…

June 8, 2012

I would prefer to write today about what is going on with me this week without telling you how I feel about what is going on with me this week. I would rather let you think that my days are full of happy and angry and busy and confident than to tell you that I have been having difficulty feeling anything at all this week. I have been wrestling with depression this week.

There, I said it. I have been wrestling depression this week. That is not actually accurate. I have been thinking about wrestling with depression this week, but mostly I have been letting depression wash over me and not had the wherewithal to fight back.

I have been dealing with a dangerous dose of depression entitlement. I am due, right? I have cancer and all. It isn’t like I am depressed for no reason. And off I go, justifying how much I deserve a little depression, defending myself and it.

The truth is this: I don’t want you to know that I have been depressed. I don’t want anyone to know. I would venture a guess that most people that have encountered me this week would not label me as depressed. Everyone except my husband, that is.

The truth is, I see depression in others as a chemical imbalance, a natural and normal reaction to unweilding or unhappy situations. A reasonable response when things go wrong, especially when things go off the rails.

I don’t give myself the same courtesy. It is a weakness. It is an imperfection. It is not acceptable.

The truth is this: I have been living in the void all week long. I have been staring into nothing, unable to engage myself in my life, moving through the motions without much experiencing them. Living in the in betweens again, only this time in my head.

I have read about the depression that comes with any serious life altering event. I have also read specifically about the depression that comes with cancer diagnosis and treatment. I have read that it comes but I haven’t read how to make it stop.

Take a pill. I am. Get some rest. I can’t sleep. Get some exercise. I have.

Still the void. Still the numbness.

I am ashamed of myself for feeling this way and ashamed of myself for being ashamed. Yet, here I am. I am the same girl that cried happy tears in the MRI a few weeks ago. I am the same one who smiles when I walk in to the office everyday. I am the same girl who was so ecstatic to have bird poop in her lungs. But this is part of cancer, too. I am going to have to learn now to cope with it, to handle it. How to use my words and fight it. This is the hard for me. It isn’t the surgeries–I have no problem with them. It isn’t even the thought of a year or more of infusion therapy. I will deal with that, it is visible, it is outward facing. People will come to my rescue.

The emotional part is what I have a hard time talking about it. I have an especially hard time asking for help with it. I feel like it is a personal failure and I want to hide it. I want to learn from it quickly and tuck it away so no one has to see it. I want to be positive and cheerful and full of hope. I want to be. I will be. I keep saying it out loud and I know it will get better.

So there you have it. Cancer girl, survivor girl, also dealing with depression girl.

One more day of holding perfection at bay.

Keep the faith,

4 Comments leave one →
  1. Janet permalink
    June 8, 2012 4:58 am

    Hey girl. I have always admired ur strengths. Now I can say I admire u for ur “weakness.” Or at least for sharing with the world what u think of as ur weakness. Depression is tough. When I work on someone with depression it feels like they have thick, black tar clogging up the flow of chi or God energy or holy spirit or whatever that life force is that flows in all of us. There are ways to clear that flow. I would love to talk to u about it. When u are ready! In the meantime, my prayers are with u.

  2. Audrey permalink
    June 8, 2012 10:36 pm

    Honestly, I’d be more worried about you if you weren’t depressed, if you didn’t express this side of it. It HAS to be talked about. And it is okay. If you don’t accept it and deal with it, how would it go away? I hope expressing these feelings helps in some way. Writing it and seeing it in words may help. Love ya and here for ya! Kiss those babies for me.

  3. June 11, 2012 12:25 pm

    There are times I wish I had the wisdom of saying the right words that would help, and this is one of those times. I just want you to know you are not alone in this fight, I keep reminding God that your children need you and we need you. Never give up, fight the good fight. We have your back. Love Love love Gini

  4. June 14, 2012 7:59 am

    Mareeka……you are an amazing young woman!!!!! Thank you for your honesty. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am grateful for Facebook keeping open lines of communication between us. I am praying for you and your precious family. Love you.

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