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Higher stage does not mean progress

May 23, 2012

Chris finally read my survivability statistics. I found them weeks ago. I almost memorized them by stage. When he spoke positively about them I knew he had read the wrong ones. He had staged me wrong. I told him so. If he is going to read those things he needs to be reading the right ones.

See here’s the thing: right now I am at stage 3bII. It ain’t good but there are worse. I am sitting in the waiting room at Vandy waiting for a bronchoscope to tell me if I get to stay a Stage 3 or if I get to move to that very exclusive club of Stage 4. Stage 4 at diagnosis is the worst. Stage 4 after years of treatment is one thing, Stage 4 at diagnosis is different.

I am trying to be light-hearted about this but the truth is, I can hardly breathe without crying this morning. I woke up with a heavy heart and heavy limbs. I didn’t want to move. I don’t want to be here to let them tell me that I am the worst. It widens the gap. It makes the hurdles just that much higher to clear. It moves my odds from creek to chasm.

Its daunting but not impossible. Go big or go home, right? That has a different meaning now!

My sister has fussed at me for not getting her contact information. She is going to take the contact info of everyone who has offered their assistance into a sort of hub so any of our needs can be centralized. I don’t know how she is going to do it. I just know that she is. So heads up, if you offered to help, she may be contacting you with a request from us. It will help Chris and I be more comfortable asking for help–something we are both loathe to do. And it will simplify things for us so someone else does the leg work of getting what we need and we only have to ask once.

We are in deep. We are keeping our heads up. We are taking advantage of this little break in treatment. We are resting up. Fueling ourselves for the marathon ahead. We are keeping the faith!

Love to you all and say a prayer I don’t say anything regrettable when they give me the goods from anesthesia. On the other hand, maybe I will. It will give them something to laugh about and I won’t remember a thing.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Shelley permalink
    May 23, 2012 4:41 pm

    I love you like the little sister I never had Mareeka! We’re all praying for you! I was crying so muchn thru reading this, I had to go back. I’ve been so out of the loop with my stupid back, I learned much more today about what’s going on than I had ANY idea about!! I hope to hear the better result you’re going to get soon too…if that makes sense. I’m still on pain meds and not really “with it”yet. Much, much love to you and Chris. You’re both strong!

  2. Sarah permalink
    May 23, 2012 5:09 pm

    Please put me on the list to help out. Phone is 6154241050. Love u and praying for u!

  3. April murphy permalink
    May 24, 2012 1:09 am

    Prayers going up for you. If I can do anything I would be happy to do it. Not sure what I can do from here but if anything know that I will

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