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In the in betweens

May 17, 2012

Have you ever woken up and the sun has been shining and the birds are chirping and your daughter is yelling “Hey Mom Mom!” from the top of the stairs to see if anyone will respond and invite her down for breakfast? Have you ever woken up next to your husband and realized that it is just a couple minutes before your alarm went off and you have slept all night long? Have you ever had that experience come crashing down around your ears because you forgot for a minute that there was an rather insidious cancer hanging out in your lymph system and your lung? It is an unfortunate experience. It makes me think about people who live with Alzheimer’s disease and have to remind their loved one that their spouse or their daughter or their whoever has already died or moved out or gone somewhere else.

It feels like the whole world crashed down around your head all over again.

This happened to me twice in the last week.

We are in the in between around here. We are in between finding out that I have cancer and starting treatment. We are in the in between getting all the information determined and starting down the path to a cure. We are in the in between.

There is a fundamental problem with the in between—it is knowing where you are and knowing where you need to be and having no power to propel yourself forward. It is a place full of contradiction. It is a place where nothing is going on and yet, somehow, you can get no rest. It is the place where you see the past and the future with amazing clarity but you cannot move toward either one. It is a vacuum. It is the place where nothing happens and yet, at the same time good things have been happening to us.

The in betweens won’t last. They never do. They must be tolerated and endured and maybe, sure, some moments of everyday appreciated and enjoyed for what they are.

I am reminded of a quote I wrote from a book from a old surfer who was asked why he went out every day and sat in the water waiting for the surf: “Wave, comes”, he said, “Wave always comes.”

Are you waiting? Are you growing impatient or stagnant? Just hold on. Wave comes!

One Comment leave one →
  1. suzy bachuss permalink
    May 18, 2012 7:26 am

    Your musings are always thought-provoking and insightful!!! I know this is a hard time for you…praying for comfort and joy for you in this time.

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