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I hate 0 dark thirty!

May 9, 2012

I have been awake for hours. Three to be exact. In fact, in the last month I have seen way too much of the early morning hours–those times on the clock that start with zero.

Tonight I went to sleep just fine. Tonight sleep coming was not stalled by all of the what ifs and what nexts. Tonight was really good.

Shortly before I went to sleep, I snuggled in to my husband and said “Today was a good day”. We haven’t had much opportunity for that lately. We were relaxed and went to sleep.

At some unknown time later, I was awakened by a very soft patting on my arm. A little blue eyed girl with purple butterfly pajamas was standing beside my bed not making a sound just patting my arm.

My first thought was “Why did we take her out of her cage, er, crib?” My second thought was “What is wrong?”

I pulled her up in bed and snuggled her in for a few minutes then thought better of my decision and took her upstairs to snuggle in her bed. I can do that now. I have no splint and no crutches.

She didn’t seem like anything was particularly wrong. She was just awake. She has a new awareness of scared. She has expressed quite a bit of scared in the last few weeks, mostly bugs, spiders and bungle bees. I keep reminding myself that kids are resilient. I keep reminding myself that neither of them will remember anything from this year.

We snuggled in to her bed but it still took her quite a while to get to sleep. I dosed pretty easily in her bed for a while and then I was awake.

Now I have been back in my bed for about three hours and all of the questions that still need answering are flooding my brain again. I wouldn’t exactly call it worry, I don’t feel particularly anxious or fretful. My head is just full.

I don’t think it will last. I can always medicate it away if I feel the need. I am believing that after this week when much of the unknown will be nailed down and a plan will begin to amass some detail that sleep will come again.

What is keeping you up at night? Is it things you can control and need to put into an action plan or is it the unknown and beyond control? Today I don’t have much advice for the latter except ride it out.

Sleep comes. Sleep always comes.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Elaine permalink
    May 9, 2012 11:38 am

    Good morning. I was awake too. I thought of you and it made me calm down and to not feel anxious. I and praying for a quick recovery and lots of wisdom for you because you will be such a force to all you will meet. God bless you.

  2. May 9, 2012 6:39 pm

    Since I am post menopausal now, I am awake at all odd hours of the night!!! Not with worry, just because I wake up and I’m wide awake!!! I’m married to a sleep specialist and the meds help some but still, I wake up!

  3. Audrey permalink
    May 10, 2012 4:00 pm

    I lay awake worrying about things I have no control over. I can do nothing to make your cancer go away. I can do nothing to make mom be able to stand up straight. I can do nothing to make Paul Rudd realize I am his soul mate. I can do nothing in so many situations. That is what keeps me up.

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