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I do NOT want to write this!

March 27, 2012

I watched The Descendants this weekend.  I shouldn’t have. I have had bad dreams ever since.  I dream that I am caught, clinging to my two children, in the middle of a tornado.  I talked to my sister today. She is having bad dreams, too.  We do that sometimes.  I told her NOT to watch The Descendants.  She said she was told it was a good movie.  I asked her if the person who told her that knew how her mother died.  I read an email she sent me three days ago.  I shouldn’t have done that either.  It is a blog from a young mother, younger than me, who has an aggressive breast cancer.  She didn’t start out to blog about her cancer experience.  One day she was blogging about words her kids mis-speak. The next she is chronicling her new life in the doctor’s office and the hospital.  I know what her next year is going to look like.  I can draw her a map.

Today, my friend posted about this being the day, three years ago, that her mother died. Yesterday she posted about how ready she was to deliver her new baby girl.

On Sunday, someone else posted how tears came when her father joined her in church that morning and she got to share worship with him again, in church, after his miracle.  Something they thought they would never do again.  Truth be told, as happy as I was for her, it made me angry, too.

Why does the little girl upstairs at my house get to be the spitting image of a grandmother she does not get to play with?  Where was my miracle?  Our miracle?  HER MIRACLE?

It makes me angry.  Most of the time I am fine.  Most of the time when I remember or think or get caught off guard, I acknowledge the moment, am grateful for what I have and what I learned and move on. 

This week, I am angry.  This week I feel it with intensity.  This week I want my mother.  This week I don’t remember all the good things, the happy times, the things she taught me.  This week I remember the pain, I remember the dying, I remember the saying goodbye.  I remember her final words and I remember the ugliness of death.

Don’t tell me about God’s will today.  God didn’t plan that.  Don’t tell me that it will get easier.  I don’t care today.  I just want to hurt.  And not dream.

My mother never whitewashed the bad things for us.  She said “life isn’t fair”. She said “Death is a part of life” She said “Whoever gets there first…She said whoever gets there first will be standing at the gate.”  I always said “Not if I get there first.”

I find no comfort in heaven today.  Heaven feels like a fairytale today.  Heaven feels like a cheat.  Like a cop out.  Like a pipe dream. 

I refuse to qualify or beautify or churchify myself today.   I say it today because it needs to come out of me.  I have to get rid of it.  I have to acknowledge it.  I have to let it roll off of me, out of me.

If you have made it this far down the page, you have some resonance with what you are reading.  I say it here because I think maybe you, too, need to be able to acknowledge it, say it, let it roll off and out of you and maybe you were just holding back because it just isn’t done.  It is polite, it isn’t respectful.  It isn’t Christian.

My mother would say it is.  My mother would say you can tell God anything, He gets it.  She would say “If God is big enough to believe in, He is big enough to handle it when we get angry.”  She would say “Be angry.  Then get over it”  My mother would say “What is God good for if he can’t handle our pain?”

I have two questions for you today:

 Do you need to rail at God a little bit? 

 Do you know when YOUR mother had her last Pap?


2 Comments leave one →
  1. Melissa Wagner permalink
    March 27, 2012 3:37 am

    I wish I could give you a big hug. I am so sorry for your pain. Your mom was right God can handle your emotions. All of them. David often was raw and very honest with God. I think it is one of the things I like most about him, his honesty. I love you girl, you have always had a special place in my heart.

  2. March 27, 2012 3:43 pm

    One of the many things I admire in you, Mareeka, is your willingness to be transparent and honest. You have a real gift and I hope you never stop using it to bless all of us! Loves.

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