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I want my Mommy!

July 29, 2011

End of June and Early July is hard for me. I have gone into this time of year for the last two years thinking it won’t impact me as much but it always does.  I try to ignore it so it will go away but that just makes it worse.

It has been two years since my mother died at the end of June and her birthday was July 10, so this time of year holds a double whammy for me.  Between my sisteer, my dad, and myself, I think we all have different times of year and different things that get us in the mood.  Christmas was super hard for me this year.  Last year, not so much.  Mother’s day seems hard for Hannah.  Her birthday is hard for me.  Lots of days are hard for Daddy for completely different reasons.  The good thing is, we never seem to be in the same place at the same time so we can help each other deal.

An appropriate time after my mom died Chris and I had a long talk about how well–or not well–I was dealing with my mother’s death and that I needed to do something proactive about my recovery process.  Christopher pretty much never tells me what to do. He insisted.  I am not a joiner.  I don’t sign up, I don’t participate in general but a friend of mine, who had also recently lost her mother, was encouraging me to join her in a grief recovery class.  I did.  I didn’t want to go, but I did it anyway.  Partly becasue Chris said I HAD TO DO SOMETHING, partly because my friend wanted a buddy to go with, partly because I just didn’t know what else to do.

One of the deciding moments in the “I have to do something” process was the morning I took a pregnancy test and found it to be positive.  I went into the living room, told Chris I was pregnant, then sat down and started crying and told Chris I wanted to tell my Mother.  A moment that should be full of joy and hope was taken away with grief.  As my belly started to grow, I knew I had to do something with myself so I could bring this baby home to that place of joy and not to grief and depresssion.

I went to class.  I didn’t want to, but I went.  it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.  Lee and Sue led the class.  They were very open about their own struggle with losing their son and how it impacted their lives.  We went through a book, we wrote letters, we read things out loud.  We cried, we laughed, we shared.  We left there tired from all of the emotion.  I left there not exactly healed, but definitely healing.  I left with a new process that I always have in my pocket of recognizing the grief, acknowledging that it is there and valid, experiencing it as part of who I am, and letting it go.

It reads so easy in those abbreviated little steps, but there may always be a couple weeks every year where the recocnizing and acknowledging have to be a conscious effort instead of my instinct to duck and cover or dig a hole and hide.

I miss my mother.  I miss her advice and encouragement.  She wasn’t just smart and practicle.  She was funny and witty and bitchy in just the right amounts.  She was flawed and human and wonderful all at the same time.  She could make me more angry than anyone on earth.  I miss her green tomato relish and her phone calls just at the right time where she would listen and not try to fix things or give advice, just be there.

I am sad that Amelia and Tenzing will never know her and only have second hand knowledge of her.  It won’t be the same as experiencing her.   She was one of a kind.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Hannah permalink
    July 29, 2011 3:20 am

    1. I love you.
    2. practical
    3. I love you.

  2. July 29, 2011 2:54 pm

    You didn’t mention recognize. Too arrogant for spell check!

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